I'm Due

I had planned to hold you this week.

To caress your round cheeks and let you hold my chubby pointer, swollen from delivery.

I planned to name you something handsome, to wrap you in that same blue blanket,

and to desperately love you.

I knew what we were up against. I knew you had a special body. I knew you had a broken heart. 

But I had planned on holding you, even just for a minute, and I was so looking forward to it.

 

I can imagine Talmage's face, beaming with pride.

I can almost see Everett, full of love and some concern over his sudden big boy status.

I can guarantee that James' face would be ecstatic in a room with 3 boys that he helped create.

But I can't see my face.

What would it have shown? How would I be feeling? How am I feeling now?

This week I am searching for my feelings. Yes, I want to see my face.

This week. The week I am due.