It was so undramatic

Everything about the last six months of my life has been dramatic.

Not only was I pregnant, but I was expecting a heart baby deemed incompatible with life. Not only was I nauseous, I was incapacitated on the couch. Not only did I miscarry and have a D&C, but my body decided to take it's sweet time in releasing what was left from my pregnancy. Not only was I carrying a heart baby, I was also carrying a baby with various genetic conditions--all harmful to him, some harmful to me as well. Not only could I not have that baby, but now there are decisions about ever having one again.

Sure, I've always had a palate for pizzaz, but lately, some plain vanilla  has sounded pretty appetizing.

And then this last Sunday, I woke with a strange new feeling. I was dry. For the last 20 weeks I have been consistently bleeding, sometimes as heavy as a cycle and sometimes as heavy as a thunderstorm, but constant nonetheless. And on Sunday, there was nothing. Nor on Monday or Tuesday. It was Wednesday before I called my doctor and asked what to do. Even Talmage knows that Wednesday's are Mommy's hospital blood days, but what was my doctor to do with this news? What was I to do with it?

"Stay home," she said.

"Stay home?" I asked.

"Yep, you can stay home," she repeated.

Not meaning stay home from life, mind you, just from her office. I didn't have to come in. It was Wednesday, but my arm was to remain bandage-free. My hcg levels have been dropping as slow as molasses for weeks now, and although she wanted them to be zero, she feels that where they are is safe enough. Some people never get all the way to zero, and why wouldn't it surprise me if I was one of those few ;) And so, with a few instructions about what I can and can't do for the next six months (can: have a normal period, if not, call immediately, can't: get pregnant, still not out of the woods) I hung up, feeling oddly unimpressed.

My miscarriage was over, and after 33 weeks so was my pregnancy, and yet I was somehow dissapointed at the lack of dramatics in the finale. Actually, it was completely undramatic. I guess I wanted to wave my "zero" on a flag pole for the world to see, or at least the courtyard. I wanted a real finish, not just a "close enough" ending. I thought I'd feel relief or accomplishment when it was all over, I really wanted to at least. But there I was, hanging up the phone with a conclusion that didn't match the plot line, feeling a little hollow. Maybe straight vanilla's not really my style?

{But then again, this did all happen on our 5th wedding anniversary--which is kind of ironic and dramatic in and of itself. Trying to be positive! Trying to be positive!}

So now a new chapter is starting in our family, again. This chapter will be about getting me healthy, a new kind of waiting, and searching for comfort in decisions--lots of family decisions! And I just hope that I appreciate it the same way I've appreciated the last six months. I don't have to always like it, but I sure hope I can appreciate it.